Four Practical Ways to Practice Kindness in Marriage
Previously, we discussed that kindness and generosity are the two most important skills for marriage. In this post, we begin with kindness and give you Four Practical Ways to Practice Kindness in Marriage.
1. Practice Kindness in Marriage with Basic Manners.
I Corinthians 13, the great love chapter, may be the most quoted piece of literature at weddings. But people often gloss over the first part of verse 5—Love is not rude. God knew what John and Julie Gottman would discover in their research—being a master at marriage means practicing basic manners. Say please and thank you, don’t be gross or crude around each other, ask rather than demand, don’t interrupt each other, use words like “excuse me” and “I’m sorry” and “do you mind if..”. Let your spouse go first, or eat the last piece of pie. If you have received feedback from your spouse that your manners need some refining, be intentional about changing rudeness to kindness in marriage.
2. Practice Kindness in Marriage with Compliments
Here I will say what I am constantly saying to my 18 month old. USE YOUR WORDS! Tell your spouse that you like their outfit,let them know you appreciate them doing the laundry or taking the kids to the park, use your words to say that the chicken is delicious, let them know you admire the way they responded to their challenging work situation. Compliments go a long way in building a culture of kindness in your marriage. Purpose to practice complementing your spouse daily.
3. Practice Kindness in Marriage with Service
It’s the little things done often, over the course of a marriage,that build trust, fondness, and admiration for each other. Be the one to make the coffee in the morning, pick up your socks off the floor, volunteer to do the grocery shopping, fix the leaky faucet, make the bed in the morning, wash the car, pack the lunches, and on and on and on the list could go. Start by trying to do one act of service a week for your spouse.
4. Practice Kindness in Marriage During Conflict
Every couple has conflict. It’s how you manage the conflict that makes you a master or disaster at relationships. During conflict may be the most challenging and most important time to practice kindness in marriage. When we are fighting with someone we aren’t usually thinking about being kind to them, but how we respond in conflict will either build the four horseman (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) into your marriage or build a culture of kindness and generosity.
Kindness in conflict means you show consideration to others point of view, you don’t minimize the others emotions or experiences, you don’t name call, threaten, or withdraw. You work to listen and understand yourself and your spouse better. It means that you are careful about how you express anger, disappointment or hurt. It means that even as you express these very intense and powerful emotions, you don’t blame, attack, or stonewall. The best way to do this is to use “I-statements” that express your emotions without criticizing. Use phrases like these:,
- I am hurt that…
- I am upset that…
- I would like it if…
- I understand how you can feel that way.
- Tell me more about it.
- I’m sorry I hurt you.
- I want to understand.
The two most important skills in marriage are kindness and generosity. The next time you have a conflict, try sprinkling some kindness throughout. With intention and practice, you can become a master at marriage.
Next time we’ll talk about the second most important skill in marriage: generosity.